When Parents separate – Protecting Children and Adolescents from Loyalty Conflicts

A separation or divorce is often one of the most emotionally difficult experiences parents can go through. If the relationship between parents is full of conflict, children and teenagers feel this especially strongly. For them, a separation does not only mean the loss of their familiar family life, but also the risk of becoming torn between mom and dad. The key to protecting them during this challenging time lies in each parent’s loyalty towards the other parent. This article gives you insights into why this is important, and offers specific tips on how parents can shield children and teenagers from loyalty conflicts – even when the separation is particularly fraught with conflict.

Why Loyalty is Important: The Child is 50% Mom and 50% Dad

Children and adolescents identify both with their mother and their father. They see themselves as a part of both parents – physically, emotionally, and in their personality. When one parent speaks badly about the other, the child or adolescent often feels attacked, as if the criticism is also directed at a part of themselves.

Loyalty Conflicts: Children and teenagers feel compelled to take sides, causing emotional stress and uncertainty. They think: “If I like Mom, I disappoint Dad” – or vice versa.
Inner Turmoil: They cannot comprehend why people they love no longer get along. This turmoil can have long-term psychological effects, such as anxiety, guilt, or problems in later relationships.

Tip: Even if the separation is painful, avoid speaking badly about the other parent in front of your child or teenager. Your child needs to feel that they are allowed to love both parents.

Stay Parents – Even After Separation

Your partnership may end, but parenthood continues. Children and teenagers need stability, security, and the knowledge that mom and dad are still there for them despite the separation.

Separation of Partnership and Parenthood: See your ex-partner not only as a former love, but as a co-parent. You both share the same goal: the well-being of your child.
Joint Decisions: Stay a team in important parenting issues – from school choice to medical topics.

Tip: Focus on factual topics concerning the child when conversing with your ex-partner. Emotional conflicts should not be resolved in front of the child or teenager.

Leaving Conflicts Behind Closed Doors

A separation often involves anger, hurt, and frustration. However, children and teens should be exposed to as little of it as possible.

No Quarrels in Front of the Child: Expressing discussions or accusations in front of your child or teenager gives them the feeling that they are standing between you both.
Avoid Emotional Stress: Statements such as “Your father has abandoned us” or “Your mother ruins everything” burden your child with a weight they cannot carry.

Tip: If you are angry, find a neutral person to talk to in order to work through your frustration – a friend, therapist, or counselor. Your child is not the appropriate person for you to express your feelings to.

Don’t Make the Child a Mediator

Children and adolescents should never take on the role of a messenger between separated parents. Phrases such as “tell your mother to…” or “ask your father why he didn’t…” place them in a difficult position.

Clear Communication: Parents should communicate directly with each other, instead of exchanging messages through the child.
Do Not Involve the Child in the Conflict: Avoid questions such as “Did dad tell you what he thinks about me?” or “Do you actually still like mom?”

Tip: Use clear communication channels such as emails or a neutral third party if direct conversations are challenging.

Creating Shared Rituals

Even after a separation, shared rituals can provide stability. Birthdays, report card celebrations or other important events can – if possible – be organized together.

Why this is important: Children and adolescents thus experience that Mom and Dad can cooperate despite their separation. This strengthens their feeling of security.

Tip: If shared rituals are not possible, each parent should ensure individual, beautiful moments with the child or adolescent.

Show Understanding for the Child’s Feelings

Children and teenagers often experience intense emotions during a separation: sadness, anger, fear, or guilt. These feelings are normal and need space to be processed.

Naming Emotions: Help your child understand their emotions by putting them into words: “I see that you’re sad because mom and dad are no longer together. That’s okay.”
Have patience: Children and adolescents need time to adjust to the new situation.

Tip: Show your child that their feelings are important. Listen to them, without pressuring or judging them.

Dealing With a Conflict-Ridden Separation

When separation is very conflict-ridden, it is particularly difficult to implement the above-mentioned principles. However, especially in such situations, it is all the more important to protect children and adolescents.

Stay Neutral: Try to remain neutral in the presence of your child or teenager, even if the ex-partner doesn’t adhere to this rule.
Seeking Professional Help: Family mediation or therapy can help defuse conflicts and focus on the child.

Tip: If your ex-partner speaks poorly of you, calmly and factually explain your perspective to your child without diminishing the other parent.

Self-Care for Parents

A separation is an immense burden for you as a parent too. It is important that you take care of yourself to be able to stay strong for your child.

Building a Network: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your feelings.
Scheduling Time for Yourself: Even small breaks, such as a walk or a book, can help recharge your energy.
Create Emotional Distance: Accept that you cannot control everything. Focus on what you can influence.

Seeking Support: You Are Not Alone

There are numerous resources that can help you cope better with the separation:

Advisory Centers: Organizations such as Caritas or city counseling offer assistance during separation and divorce.
Mediation: Family mediators can help promote peaceful communication between parents.
Therapeutic Support: Therapy can be an important step for both you and your child to process the separation.

Final Thoughts: Protecting Children and Adolescents, Even in Difficult Times

A separation is never easy – neither for you nor for your child or teenager. However, with respect, communication, and a focus on their well-being, you can help make this phase as conflict-free as possible. Remember: Children and teenagers do not need perfect parents, but parents who love them and provide them with security.

Loyalty and neutrality towards the other parent are key to protecting them from conflicts of loyalty. It is not easy, but it is a gift that helps them emerge stronger from this difficult time.