Regretting Motherhood – When mothers regret motherhood: Focus on a taboo topic

The phenomenon of “Regretting Motherhood” is rarely part of public discourse, yet it exists. Studies and surveys show that a significant number of mothers would, in hindsight, have preferred not to have children

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Is a mother allowed to feel regret?

Motherhood is often described as the greatest joy. Society expects a mother to love her children above all else and to find fulfillment in her new role. But what if that’s not the case? What if a mother realizes she regrets motherhood – and doesn’t dare to speak about it?

The phenomenon of “Regretting Motherhood” is rarely part of public discourse, yet it exists. Studies and surveys show that a significant number of mothers would, in hindsight, have preferred not to have children – not because they don’t love their children, but because motherhood does not meet their expectations or needs.

But why is this topic such a taboo? And more importantly: How can we help affected mothers come to terms with this realization and find new paths for themselves?

Regretting Motherhood is not the same as postpartum depression

An important distinction that is often misunderstood is the difference between Regretting Motherhood and postpartum depression.

Postpartum Depression:

  • A mental illness that occurs within the first year after birth.
  • Symptoms include deep exhaustion, lack of motivation, anxiety, guilt, and a feeling of disconnection from the child.
  • Often hormonally and stress-induced.
  • Requires treatment with psychotherapy or possibly medication.
  • Most mothers with postpartum depression want a close bond with their child but feel emotionally blocked.

Regretting Motherhood:

  • Not an illness, but a conscious realization about one’s life circumstances.
  • Women do not feel depressed but realize that motherhood itself does not fulfill them.
  • Can occur independently of mental illness.
  • Often persists for years and does not go away on its own.

Both conditions can overlap, but they are not the same. Postpartum depression can be treated and overcome – whereas Regretting Motherhood is often linked to a mismatch between personal life goals and the reality of motherhood.

Why do some women regret motherhood?

There are many reasons why women later realize they are unhappy in their role as mothers. Often, several factors come together:

1. Societal pressure to become a mother

Many women become mothers because they believe it is something they are supposed to do. Society conveys the image that a woman only becomes “complete” through motherhood. Often, the decision to have a child is made due to external expectations – from partners, family, or social norms – and not from a deep inner desire.

2. Unrealistic expectations about motherhood

The reality of motherhood often differs greatly from what women expected. The idea of a happy, fulfilling life with a child is quickly replaced by the realization that motherhood consists of sleep deprivation, constant mental strain, and a loss of personal freedom.

3. Lack of support and overwhelming responsibility

Mothers who feel left alone – whether by their partner, family, or society – are more likely to become overwhelmed. When the entire responsibility for a child rests on one person’s shoulders, it can become unbearable.

4. Loss of identity and lack of self-fulfillment

Some women feel stripped of their identity by motherhood. Hobbies, career, personal freedom – all of this can be severely restricted. Some feel they are “disappearing” as a person and exist only as a mother.

Finding new paths: How to deal with this realization?

Women who regret motherhood often face a difficult question: How can I shape my life so that it remains worth living for both me and my child? Here are some practical approaches to finding new ways:

1. Acceptance: Allowing yourself to feel this way

Many women struggle with guilt and self-doubt. The first step is to allow yourself to have these feelings. Regretting Motherhood is not a failure. It does not mean that you don’t love your children or that you are a bad mother.

2. Psychotherapy: Learning to understand yourself

Talking to a psychotherapist can help sort out feelings and discover where the dissatisfaction stems from. Is it really motherhood itself? Or are external circumstances to blame?

3. Recognizing role conflicts

Sometimes it’s not the children that make women unhappy, but societal expectations of the “perfect mother.” Consciously rejecting unrealistic ideals can already be a relief.

4. Demanding more support

  • Who takes on which tasks in the family?
  • Are there options for childcare for a few hours?
  • Can the partner or grandparents become more involved?

Often, the solution is not to reject motherhood but to achieve a more balanced distribution of responsibilities.

5. Creating perspective: What do I need for myself?

Many mothers realize they are unhappy because they no longer have personal space. Possible solutions include:

  • Returning to work (even part-time)
  • Resuming hobbies
  • Consciously scheduling time for oneself

6. Questioning social narratives

Not every woman is happy as a mother – and that’s okay. Women should recognize that motherhood is not an automatic path to fulfillment.

Motherhood must not be romanticized

Motherhood is beautiful – but not for every woman. Regretting Motherhood is a real and serious issue. It is time to break the taboo and talk about it openly. Women who regret motherhood deserve not judgment but understanding. They need space for their thoughts and the opportunity to shape their lives in a way they can manage.

The decision for or against having a child should always be made consciously – and never due to societal pressure.