Sibling Rivalry – Why it occurs and how you as Parents can help

Everyday life with siblings often consists of a colorful mix of love, laughter, and – disputes. A peaceful moment can escalate into a full-blown conflict within seconds, be it about the favorite toy, the larger portion of ice cream, or just about who gets to go first. As parents, you sometimes feel like referees in a never-ending competition, constantly being about who gets the upper hand. However, behind these often exhausting moments lies more than meets the eye: sibling rivalry is not only normal but also an important part of child development.

What is Sibling Rivalry?

Sibling rivalry describes the competition between siblings for resources, attention, and recognition. It manifests itself in various ways – sometimes through open disputes, sometimes through more subtle jealousy or comparisons. This rivalry is not a sign that your children do not love each other. On the contrary: it is a natural part of living together, where children learn to recognize their own needs, express them, and interact with others.

Why Does Sibling Rivalry Occur?

The reasons for conflicts between siblings are diverse and often deeply rooted in a child’s perception.

1. Competition for Attention:
   Children often perceive their parents’ love and attention as a limited resource. Especially when a new sibling arrives, the older child can quickly feel sidelined. They suddenly get the feeling that they have to fight for their place in the family.
2. Differences and Comparisons:
   Every child is unique, and that’s wonderful – but for children, it’s hard to not interpret differences as a form of evaluation. When one child is given more freedoms or excels in a certain area, it can provoke jealousy among siblings.
3. Development Stages:
   Siblings often find themselves in different stages of development, which bring about varying needs and capabilities. A teenager may crave peace and quiet, whilst a young child loudly demands play – this can lead to tensions.
4. Resource Allocation:
   Whether it’s about toys, time, or freedoms – children often keep an eye on who gets “more.” Injustices, even if they are only perceived, can quickly lead to arguments.
5. Personality Differences:
   Some children are naturally harmonious, others very strong-willed. These differences can lead to conflicts, especially when siblings handle challenges in different ways.

Why Sibling Rivalry is Important

Even though disagreements can be exhausting for parents, they serve an important purpose. Through conflicts, children learn key social skills:

Asserting Themselves: Children practice expressing their own needs clearly and standing up for them.

Compromise: They learn that not all desires can always be met, and how to find solutions together.

Developing Empathy: Ideally, children begin to understand how the other person feels and why they react in such a way.

Thus, sibling rivalry is a training ground for later life – from relationships to dealing with colleagues.

How Parents Can Moderate Conflicts

As parents, it’s your duty not to completely avoid these conflicts but to constructively guide them.

1. Stay Neutral:
   Imagine yourself as a referee – not a member of any team. Instead of looking for a “culprit”, focus on the solution: “Both of you are angry. How can you solve the problem?” Neutrality shows your children that you take both sides seriously.
2. Offering Individual Time:
   Children who feel seen fight less for attention. Consciously plan time with each child, for example, a walk, a chat, or an activity that brings joy to the child.
3. Avoid Comparisons:
   Phrases such as “Why can’t you be as tidy as your brother?” can foster rivalry and damage self-esteem. It’s better to emphasize each child’s unique strengths: “I think it’s great how creative you are!”
4. Accompanying Conflict:
   Encourage your children to solve their conflicts themselves, rather than intervening immediately. Ask: “What can you do so that both of you are happy?” or “How can you reach an agreement?”
5. Setting Clear Boundaries:
   Some conflicts require a clear intervention, such as in cases of physical violence. Set clear boundaries: “Hitting is not allowed. Let’s think together about how you can express your anger.”

Age-Related Tips for Sibling Rivalry

Toddlers:
Promote mutual understanding: “Your little brother is still too young to share. Let’s show him how to do it.” Keep rules simple and clear: “Now it’s your sister’s turn, then it’s your turn.”

Primary School Children:
Assign age-appropriate responsibility to each child: “Can you show your little brother how the game works?” Encourage collaborative activities where the children work together, such as a puzzle or a cooking project.

Teenager:
Respect their independence: Teenagers often need more space and time for themselves. Encourage conversations: “How do you feel when your little sister is always bothering you?”

How Families Can Jointly Overcome Sibling Rivalry

1. Designing Family Time:
   Create regular moments where all children feel equally important. A game night, an outing, or cooking together can strengthen the sense of belonging.
2. Developing Shared Rules:
   Allow the children to participate in deciding which rules apply to everyone. For example: “We listen to each other when someone is speaking.”
3. Allowing Emotions:
   Encourage your children to express their feelings honestly: “I am sad because you spend more time with him.” Such sentences create understanding and reduce tensions.
4. Positive Reinforcement:
   Praise your children when they resolve conflicts on their own or interact considerately with each other. This reinforces their behavior.

A Positive View on Sibling Rivalry

As exhausting as sibling squabbles can sometimes be, they also present an opportunity. Your children learn to handle conflicts, make compromises, and empathize with others. With your support, they can use these conflicts as valuable life lessons.

Siblings are often the first close relationships that children have – relationships that can shape them for a lifetime. Even though they may be tumultuous in childhood, these relationships can later become the most valuable and stable in life.

With patience, understanding, and clear guidance, you can help your children change from rivals to allies – and grow together as a family.